Jealousy is one of those emotions that can really sneak up on you and disguise itself as other emotions. Most often it manifests as feelings of anger, feeling victimized and unworthy. It is so powerful and so hard to recognize that it has a great potential to cause a lot of misery in a person’s life. It is also a shameful emotion that no one wants to admit to having or talking about.
One of the things that cause me great grief in my life is “black and white” or “all or nothing” thinking. It is a symptom of my (and many others) mental illness. What that means is that the brain automatically removes and invalidates the duality of being human. You are good and bad, all people are good and bad, all things can be good and bad, all situations can be good and bad. This has been especially problematic for me while I have been trying to find my place in the maker community.
I see many influential makers in the community have their own “things” that make them stand out, something that makes them different. When I have seen other makers talking about mental health or self care or being authentic or genuine it fills me with jealousy. I needed to find a way to process these emotions, so I turn to crochet.
I went to my stash, pulled out yarn that I was drawn to. Emptied my hooks out onto a table and selected the hook and technique I wanted to use. Then, I just started making. I knew I wanted to try doing a slip stitch ribbing on something. So I started there, made the ribbing and decided I was making a hat. I still have cable fever and have been struggling with where I can use them so I decided to try some cables in the round. I let the feelings come through me and into this hat.
Once it was completed, I knew it needed a pompom. I hate making pompoms. So I put the hat down. I left it alone, and everytime I thought about it I felt unresolved. I had left something at the table and had not completed the process. So I got over myself and made the pom. Now…..its done and I bring to you…… The Jealousy Hat.
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